Thursday, April 28, 2005

la press club, asspig, geminis

I was at at the Los Angeles Athletic Club on Tuesday night for the Los Angeles Press Club party. Hugh Hewitt was the host/featured speaker. I had many things to cross off my to-do list so I multi-tasked and invited my astrologer along because we needed to talk about my love life and find new things to laugh about. He had to deal with freeway traffic and I walked, so I arrived with plenty of time to have a drink and flirt with possibly the cutest writer in attendance before he finally showed up.

Hugh was very gracious and made a few introductions, but the room wasn't as friendly. Most of the crowd clung to their large circles of people they knew rather than mixing it up, but most of the crowd seemed old and mean, so it worked out. I did manage to meet Gabrielle, the really likeable woman behind the genius that is Single Shot, her significant other, Jim, from Uglytown, and actress Giovindini Murty. My astrologer finally showed up, introductions were made, more cocktails were had, and then a wave of unfriendly, unattractive people entered the room.

After what seemed like the longest cocktail hour ever, Hugh launched into his speech. I made the mistake of asking my astrologer about after Hugh spoke. Normally, that's a good time to ask that type of question, but it was a free-for-all with all sorts of people taking their turn getting loud on the mike: L.A. Times editor Bob Sipchen, Mickey Kaus, Patterico, Armed Liberal (Marc Danziger), Roger L. Simon, and others whose names I didn't catch.

"Did you check out asspig?", I whispered, causing a paroxysm of laughter in my astrologer.

"No, I have standards." He laughs, "Well not really, but anything with the word PIG in it that has to do with gay men scares me."

"Weren't you even the least bit curious?" I confessed, "I checked it out."

My astrologer swiveled to face me, trying to sniff out the truth. He must have smelled something. "I did too."

Marc and Roger (I don't know which one is which) were very excited. They just announced their new blog club, Pajamas Media, and asked bloggers in the audience to join their new whatever. The crowd showed signs of life, which excited them even more, and they got louder. Unfortunately, our whispering and giggling got louder, too.

"There was this one guy, I really think a part of me just died while looking at his picture. And his was the first asspig profile i happened to click on..."

"Did he have saggy man-boobs, bald head, goatee, lots of ink?" I asked, scanning the crowd, craning to see if I recognized anybody in the room.

"Was that the one whose intro read," he almost shouted in my ear, then just as the speaker took a breath and the crowd was at a lull, " '...if you want hot sweaty piggy sex then I'm your man' or something like that?"

Two guys in ugly suits and overplucked eyebrows in front of us turn around to look at us. So I raised my glass to them, smirking. They turned back around to listen, but moved further away. Oh yeah, Pajamas Media. They plan to sell ads on associated blogs, build a world-wide blog news service, and um, stuff. If you want to know what they were talking about, read here.

I spotted Crush #1 through the crowd and pointed him out to my astrologer. Astrologer wasn't that impressed and I have to admit, Crush #1 didn't look as good as he did the other night.

The astrologer warned me, "Remember, he's a Gemini so don't believe a word he says. But schedule a bikini wax just in case."

Crush #1 looks like a younger, more mainstream Benicio del Toro. Lips not as full, but that same sexy, heavy-lidded gaze that just undoes me. It was so hard trying to listen to the speakers and my astrologer and to not stare at Crush #1.

"Thats just... soooo wrong!" my astrologer stage-whispered in horror.

Did I just zone out staring at Crush #1 that I missed something good? Did Crush #1 notice me staring? I whispered back, "I missed it, what did he say?"

"I don't know, but why are so many women in this room carrying ugly green handbags?" He was surveying the crowd as well, "Ooh, he was cute."

I was looking at the crowd and trying to listen to the speaker, but I was still on asspig, "I think the guy I saw had, 'hot & piggy when it counts,' but my personal favorite was Bone4Pup."

Just when I was getting bored with our conversation and hitting the realization that Crush #1 really isn't that cute after all, our options expand. Crush #2 was hovering nearby and my astrologer noticed, "He's cute. His shoes make me laugh. Do you think he thinks I'm cock-blocking for you?"

"I think that for the rest of this event, there should be no more talk of ass, pig, cock, and, just to be safe, buttplug."

"I think tonight is turning me into an asexual." He wasn't even listening to me. "If only I were brave enough to be an asspigger."

I still wonder, "I don't know how it is that i didn't soil my pants just now."

Somehow, the speeches ended and the crowd started to thin out. Crush #2 made his way over and we critiqued the evening and its participants. We said goodbye to some of the nice people we met earlier and all through it, my astrologer stuck like glue to my side. How could Crush #2 mack me with my fairy godmother hanging on to every word? If he met someone cute I'd find the pool table, but no, he was on me like white on rice, like ugly on a plaid suit.

Interrupting what I'm sure was incredibly witty flirtation with Crush #2, my astrologer asked, "Celia, do you know that guy over there?", pointing at a very tall, very young, cute, and sexually confused young man.

I pretended to care, pretended to look, and pretended to be sincere, "No, but why don't you go over there and introduce yourself? No, really, I think you should."

"Hmm, that group he's with looks a little... closed."

"Pull him aside, we'll be over here. Really, what's the worst that can happen?"

He considers for a moment then shakes his head, "No. I don't think he'd respond to my sense of humor."

"Pull him aside and give him your best line. What is it?"

"Hi, I'm a very influential blogger. Want to have a picnic this Friday? My penis is seven inches long and my hands are EXTRA MEDIUM."

We laugh, then Crush #2 joins in once he realizes we're kidding. Can you imagine actually using those lines on anybody? Somehow I wind up with his card but not much hope that anything will come of it. Something tells me he's a Gemini, too.

1 comment:

TucsonPaolo said...

I've given up on crushes really. I mean the last one I had was really into me stalking him and seemed to be hurt when I didn't follow through on his idea that I would actually stalk him. Why would I do that to begin with. After getting to know him a little I realized that his heart was so cold that you didn't stir his martini's you just hand him the glass and the cold would creep up the stem. Yep that was my last crush and oddly enough now that I've sworn off of them, I find myself with my own stalker who claims it's only a crush. I suppose I will have to aquired one of those rain forest frogs and fashion a poision dart.