where are my fat pants?

Spending Easter with my family means I either have to be very drunk to get through it, or I have to keep shoving food in my mouth to keep from saying something inappropriate to the stupid people I'm related to. I really like my mom's side of the family, but I don't know what happened with my dad's side of the family.

I have this really dotty aunt who keeps walking into glass doors. She really tries my patience, but her husband, my father's brother, is an all-balls-out ass. He fell asleep at the table one Thanksgiving, for which I was extremely thankful (anything to shut him up). As he nodded off, his head dropped forward and his toupee flapped over. He's a thrifty son-of-a-bitch, so I guess he didn't use enough tape to keep his wig on. I almost spit out a mouthful of turkey and my sister had to leave the table or she'd soil herself.

Another Thanksgiving one of my other uncles, who happens to be a priest in Manila, came to visit. I really like Uncle Priest. He's a Jesuit, a bit of a rebel, and pretty cool - not just for a priest. What I don't like is how some people alter their behavior around him, as if they don't act ugly when he's not around. Not this time. Aunt Dotty was talking about comic books, how she read them as a child in the Philippines, which helped her in "mastering" English. Someone mentioned that a lot of the comics in the Philippines were either propaganda or pornographic. Aunt Dotty said she read the pornographic ones. No one batted an eyelash, everyone was too polite to comment. Not me. Being drunk, I asked her, "So did you read them to learn English, or because they were pornographic?"

Matter-of-factly, she replied, "Oh, a little of both."

I thought my mom's head was going to explode. She shot me a look, hoping I would not pursue my current line of questioning. It was too late. It was on.

"Which ones were your favorite?" I continued, securing my place in hell.

Aunt Dotty went on to describe three or four of the more interesting ones in great detail. My sister had to keep picking her jaw up off the floor, she couldn't believe the conversation. My mom was trying to get closer to me so she could pinch my ear and pull me away like a five year-old. Uncle Priest just nodded silently, as if he were hearing confession. I was really digging the conversation for a change, this was getting good. But then people realized there was a priest in the room. So they all put on their halos and the conversation shifted to a less interesting one. Even my dad got on his soapbox and started going on about how pornography is bad. I realized that I had a box full of pornography in the back of my car, earlier in the week my sister asked if she could borrow some bukkake videos. Did I mention I was drunk? "Oh that reminds me," I said to my sister, "I have those videos you asked to borrow."

I think I'll behave today. As a present to my family, I'll just keep shoving food in my mouth. Now if I could only find my pants with the elastic waist.