the meaning of kevin's dead cat

If you ever wondered why my sister Laura named her blog Kevin's Dead Cat, her husband James posted the answer. He also posted pictures from Hawaii. It's so beautiful there. I walked in the rain to Laura's gravesite a few days after the funeral. I haven't walked in the rain since I was a kid. And like a kid, I left my shoes and umbrella behind and was soaking wet in seconds, but it was a nice, warm, tropical rain. You couldn't tell how much I was crying.

My brother posted pictures from Laura's funeral in Hawaii on his blog. He also posted pictures from a drive around the island. We took James around to show him some of Laura's favorite places in Oahu, specifically, Hanauma Bay and the north shore. Laura used to meditate to manage her pain. As the cancer progressed and she grew more dependent on pain medication, she often had to go to her "quiet place" until we could administer morphine. Her "quiet place" was snorkeling in Hanauma Bay. I have a picture of us with our cousins at Hanauma from a couple years ago. I love that picture. We spent the whole day at Hanauma, finally leaving exhausted as the sun set, but stopping to commemorate that moment, that day. That was a great day. Laura had very vivid dreams, sometimes they manifested themselves physically - she sleepwalked often. But sometimes I would watch her as she dreamt, kicking her legs back and forth, snorkeling in Hanauma Bay.

If you haven't noticed, I'm feeling sentimental. This Sunday night is a command performance dinner with my parents. It's some kind of custom to have this dinner so many days after someone's death and I'm not sure what the point is. I'd never heard of this custom before, but maybe I just wasn't paying attention. So we're all gathering, just family and a few of Laura's close friends, to have dinner in Laura's honor. I guess it doesn't sound so horrible if I put it that way instead of calling it a command performance.

agency homing in

As if I didn't have enough things to worry about, I read this in the LA Times. I need a Plan B.

gay games vii needs athletes for los angeles photo shoot

Do you or someone you know play sports in the LA area? A friend who works for Gay Games Chicago needs help finding athletes and cultural participants for Gay Games VII photo shoot in Los Angeles. If you or anybody else you know want to participate in a new ad campaign supporting the Gay Games, please sign up and/or spread the word:

Seeking Athletes and Cultural Participants for
Gay Games VII Photo Shoot!
Gay Games VII is doing a series of photo shoots to support our new advertising campaign. Several photo shoots will take place in Los Angeles in October and early November.

The photo shoot will be with award winning photographers who are donating their services to benefit Gay Games VII, to be held in Chicago July 15-22, 2006.

Ideally, models will be former Gay Games athletes, or athletes who are planning to attend Gay Games VII. However, we will consider all athletes! We are looking for a full range of subjects for our photo shoot. The only compensation offered to models is our genuine appreciation, and the possibility that your photo will be a part of a world wide advertising campaign.

If you are interested in being considered for this photo shoot, please email Profiles@GayGamesChicago.org with the subject: LA Photo Shoot. Please let them know that my friend Stacy Jacobs sent you! If you have any questions, you can contact Stacy via email at stacy.jacobs@gaygameschicago.org or Brenda Schumacher via phone 773-907-2006 or email at Brenda.Schumacher@GayGamesChicago.org

wondered what that was all about

I was already asleep when I heard that familiar thud-thud-thud sound. A bright light pierced through the darkness and into my bedroom window. I thought I heard some noises out in my living room or on the roof, but that could've been a loftmate. There could have been a trio of drunk possums careening into the walls and I wouldn't get out of bed. I was too eager to ignore everything outside my bedroom - I started a new gig Tuesday morning and I needed sleep. There could have been a wacky old man throwing bricks off my roof and a police helicopter right outside my window, shining a light onto me and my bed and not my roof where the wacky old man might be found heaving bricks off the roof - it just didn't matter. I wanted peace and quiet so I could get some sleep and I'd go straight to denial if needed.

Then my neighbors eric and eecue wondered what the hell was going on and I was able to piece things together somewhat.

I wonder if that had anything to do with the two hotel maintenance guys cleaning up all this plaster and brick outside my door this morning. I need sleep. I hope no one feels like heaving bricks off my roof tonight.

happy/sad

I got the job. Yay me. I should celebrate or something, but all I feel like doing is curling up in the fetal position in the middle of my bed. Don't feel any tears coming on or anything like that, but I am sad that I can't tell Laura about it and see her reaction. Oh wait, yeah, here they come. I'm okay. I just need a minute.

a little anxious

Big meeting with a prodco today and I'm a little nervous. I hate my hair and every piece of clothing I own. I'm such a girl, I can't believe that's what I'm stressing about. I wish I had a car and driver, I don't want to drive myself to this. I'm so distracted with a brazilan things on my mind, the last thing I need is to navigate morning traffic. I hope my synapses don't misfire in the middle of the meeting. Okay, here I go. Wish me luck.

casting notices

Just passing along some casting notices, please don't contact me about the following, contact information is provided below:

AFI Student Film needs extras!
A friend who is in the master's film producing program at AFI needs eight (8) extras this Saturday and Sunday. Male, 20's to 50's, all ethnicities, shooting in a set-constructed 70's bar at the AFI soundstage, for copy, credit and meals. Interested? Contact Vic at iodine999@aol.com, or better yet, call him at 323-0573-4557.

Wait, there's more:

Conde Nast Media Group, Cargo Magazine and Emoticon Productions are currently casting a fresh, fast-paced, "info-taining" lifestyle series for men. They're on the look-out for spontaneous, lively, sharp men and women (ages 25-35) who are true experts in one of these areas: shopping (fashion), technology (gadgets & gizmos), cars, women (dating) and entertainment (pop-culture). Previous hosting experience preferred (contact by agents/managers is OK), but not required. Send a headshot, resume and SHORT cover letter telling us about your specific area of expertise (and please put that area of expertise in the Subject Line) to casting@emoticonproductions.tv.

The Style Network is casting a new show called Relationship Rehab and is making a call out to anyone who has recently had their heart broken, or knows someone who has been cheated on or recently dumped, and you think now may be the time for a life makeover. Kingfish Prods is now casting attractive men/weom between the ages of 18 and 35, who has 203 friends or family in the NY Metro area will to participate in their life makeover. Need to be available to shoot this fall. Email your story and photo to NYCastingcall@yahoo.com OR call 646-498-4097.

BET is on the lookout for BET hosts. The network will tour several major cities to find several new hosts. Auditions were held in New York City on October 3, Atlanta on October 5, Houston on October 7, Chicago on October 10 and LA auditions are being held today, October 12. Auditions are open to male and female non-professionals ages 18 - 28. BET will televise highlights from the national talent search in this fall's programming season. More details at www.bet.com.

Good luck!

downtown dolce

I've been jonesing for sweets. I needed the kind of comfort that Sara Lee used to provide. These days, I like to think that my taste is a little more refined, so a fresh-frozen iced chocolate cake or strawberry cheesecake doesn't cut it anymore. There are tons of ethnic bakeries in downtown Los Angeles. I can get conchas, all sparkly with their crunchy sugar coats, or sweet potato empanadas from the panaderia around the corner. If I poke around in the Jewelry District, I can find trays of baklava, dripping with honey. There are at least four cafes that I can walk to for biscotti. And I usually have no problem walking to any Little Tokyo confectionery when I want a piece of velvety daifuku (sticky rice surrounding sweet bean paste and rolled in kinako, sweet soy powder), or namagashi (baked "bun" filled with sweetened azuki bean paste. But I wanted Viennese pastries, cannoli siciliani, cupcakes, eclairs, and cakes with buttercream frosting. And I didn't want to drive.

Last week I passed by Grand Central Market on the way back home from purchasing candles at the botanica. I knew my taco stand was operational again after that horrible kitchen fire, so I ran in to get a lengua burrito on the way to I forget where and why, but I was running late. Then I saw it. Tiramisu. Beside it was a row of dark chocolate cappucino cakes, beckoning me with dark and milk chocolate swirls of frosting. But I couldn't stop, I was already running late. So like MacArthur, I returned, intent on consuming enough baked goods to put me into a sugar coma.

Blanca was behind the counter at the House of Sweets (Casa de Dulces - D4), smack dab in the middle of Grand Central Market. Either she's a great salesperson or I was just in the mood to gorge myself on sweets. Despite craving traditional bakery fare, I loaded up on baklava ($6 for a generous trayful!), tres leches cake, dark chocolate cappucino cake, and tiramisu. They're all gone now. I am embarrassed to say that I devoured these in one sitting, all by myself.

I took advantage of the sugar high and cleaned up a little around the penthouse. And by a little, I mean i threw out two huge garbage bags full of stuff, filed away 60+ CDs and did two loads of laundry. That might not sound like much to you, but I own more clothes than most boutiques keep in stock, more reading material than anyone but Evelyn Wood could get through, and I have (I kid you not) thousands of CDs in my bedroom (not in any semblance of order). That reminds me, I need a better filing system. Back to topic: After that burst of energy I came crashing down from the sugar high and was out of it for several hours. I was coaxed out of it only by a late dinner invitation to Versailles for some yummy Cuban food.

I need to join a gym.

shoot the leader

I got an email from an old boyfriend the other day. I was very surprised to hear from G, as we didn't part ways amicably. Once at a party I accidentally introduced him as my insignificant other. You could say that G wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it would be more accurate to say that he was dumber than a box of rocks. A former model, firefighter, ski instructor, ad agency executive and now stockbroker, G was easy on the eyes. My reasons for being with him were very shallow and superficial. Kinda like him.

During the dot-boom years one of my clients wanted access to movers and shakers in the Bay Area. I opened up my Rolodex to throw a huge shindig in San Francisco and G accepted my invitation to come to the party (I didn't think he'd take time away from work). The party was a big success, my client was ecstatic. There was a fairly influential guy from Los Angeles who flew up with his entourage. I'd never met him before, but we knew of each other and I was surprised he flew up for the party. This guy, let's call him Alan, now a friend, is a smart, charming, handsome ex-Navy SEAL. A real man's man. Chicks wanted to date him and guys wanted to be just like him.

I introduced G to Alan and they started talking about flying planes, playing rugby, shooting guns, competitive sailing and other alpha male activities. I thought they were getting along very well. I was glad I didn't have to babysit for him and that he found someone in the geeky crowd that didn't think him a complete idiot. At party's end, Alan invited us to join his group in carousing all night. I was all business back then so I declined, but we accepted his offer of a ride back to our hotel.

Alan and I waited in the limo while G went back to retrieve a forgotten coat. We had met only hours earlier, but as soon as G was out of earshot, Alan asked, "What are you doing with this guy?"

"I don't know what you mean by that," I replied. I couldn't be disloyal, even if the boyfriend was an idiot. Besides, G played the boyfriend role to perfection.

"Celia, I was in the Navy for over twenty years. One of the first things I learned was, upon entering a room - figure out who the most important person in the room is. Find out who the leader is and shoot that person. There will be confusion, people won't know who to follow and as a soldier you take advantage of that."

Tipsy from champagne, I slurred slightly, "So what's your point?"

Alan smiled, "I would probably have to shoot a hundred people before I'd shoot him."

"You wouldn't shoot him?" I asked. "And here I thought you two were getting along."

Then G returned with his coat and Alan and I were never alone to talk frankly again that night. Later in our hotel room, I came out of the bathroom to find G doing pushups and stretching. He tried to play it off, but it was obvious - he was anticipating some strenuous activity. If I had to pinpoint the beginning of the end for this guy, that night would probably be it.

I don't know if I'll be replying to G's recent email. I admit I'm curious to know if and how he's changed, it's been about five years since we last talked. Everything is so different now, a complete 180. Both Alan and I aren't the same people anymore - not as driven and a lot happier. Alan is retired and lives on his boat in Hawaii. He doesn't date bimbos anymore and I don't date himbos. But those are just the glaringly obvious changes, the most profound ones are harder to explain. I know Alan doesn't want to shoot the leader anymore, I'm just not sure what I want.

friend from the past

I got back home from Hawaii and was reading days-old copies of the LA Times when I saw that a friend that I've known since college but haven't seen in about seven years owns a sex shop on Venice Boulevard called Freddy and Eddy. I met Ian at a ZBT party during my freshman year and he kept me (and eventually my sister Laura) out of a lot of trouble. And when I say kept me out of trouble, I mean he watched and laughed as I engaged in outrageously drunken behavior, then teased me mercilessly about it afterwards. He was the first one to tell me that ZBT stood for Zero But Trying and other things I needed to know about frat boys.

I see that blogging.la read the same article. I'm so glad that Ian and Alicia are doing well and are getting great notices. I'll probably pop into their shop to say hi sometime in the next week. Ian was also very good friends with my sister, so I hope I can maintain while we catch up.

that ringing is just in my head

I'm watching The Big Lebowski and his phone ringtone is the same as my cell phone's ringtone. I love this movie but that ringtone is confusing me.

senator boxer establishes memorial internship

There are many reasons I dig Senator Boxer, here's yet another reason why (from the Senator's website):

U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer established the Laura Esguerra Adams Memorial Internship Program in her Los Angeles Office in memory of Laura, who was the Senator’s web designer from 2001 until her death in September 2005.

Laura Esguerra Adams possessed enormous technical skills and used them to create an innovative and award-winning website. She also brought a passion for public service, believing that technology should be used to increase public involvement in and understanding of our government.

The Laura Esguerra Adams Memorial Internship Program is designed to provide experience to highly motivated and enthusiastic young people who want a first hand experience in public service. Those selected for the program will serve in Senator Boxer's Los Angeles Office.

For information on internships in the Los Angeles office, call Judith Vasquez at 213-894-5000.

Click here to apply.

huge crack on the 405 nearly causes accident

Two words come to mind: cautionary tale.



Thanks to Camille for the pic.

inappropriate, yet effective

To Kitty:

Thanks for your words of support. I had no idea the words "slanty vagina" would have the effect that it did, but I'm glad you were prescient enough to know. Was it the specificity that was achieved by adding that one modifier that did the trick, or that it was an unexpected pairing? You get me, you really get me. Kinda like how Alec Baldwin really knew that wasn't Meg Ryan inside Meg Ryan's body in Prelude To A Kiss, that it was an old man inside Meg Ryan's body. I feel that if some old man inhabited my body, you wouldn't have to kiss me deeply and with a little bit of tongue to know it was an old man and not me.

aloha

I'm back in Los Angeles and I'm still not sure how I feel about that. Laura's internment in Hawaii was one of the hardest things I've had to go through and I'm glad it's over. I'm still feeling a little wrung out.

honolulu, then havana

At long last we got the word from the cemetery in Hawaii - Laura's burial is set for Wednesday, September 21st. I fly out to Hawaii this Sunday and return in a week. I'm not sure I want to come back to Los Angeles, not for a while. I just don't know where else to go. My brother-in-law James has told me more than a few times that he can't go anywhere in this city - everything reminds him of Laura. I understand too well.

Maybe because we were in a Cuban bakery/cafe, but at lunch the other day I told James and my brother Angel that I wanted to go to Cuba for a month. I had just polished off this amazing pastry - a ball of ground beef inside a mashed potato ball, deep-fried - sort of like shepherd's pie but because of the shape, more like shepherd's balls. I finished one of those, started on a chicken empanada and thought, "I could eat nothing but Cuban food for two weeks straight. With desserts, rum drinks, good music, and a copy of The Snows of Kilimanjaro, I could stay maybe a month." More importantly, I have no memories of Laura and Cuba.

We stopped short of ordering one of each pastry in the display case, but just a little short. Hopped up on sugar and dreaming of sultry nights at El Floridita, I made my way back downtown, mentally packing for Honolulu and Havana.

I need to be more careful with what I eat these days.

300 lbs by christmas

My neighborhood never lets me down, I can always rely on it to keep me in check. I was walking to Cole's last week and I happened to fall a few feet behind this pimped-out, Jheri-curled, street Lothario walking in the same direction. He kept turning around to look at me. We were almost in front of Cole's when he turned around and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to keep turning around to stare at you, but, I see you have hips."

If I don't lay off the alcohol, ice cream, truffles, creamy potato salads, french dip sandwiches and other goodies that kind friends and roommates are offering me to stave off the sadness, I could, at my current rate of expansion, weigh 300 pounds by Christmas. That may be a slight exaggeration, but just the same, I better take the feedbag off. I probably shouldn't have eaten flan for dinner.

hawaii postponed

I'm still in Los Angeles and I don't know what to do with myself. Laura's funeral in Hawaii has been postponed due to problems with permits. I have no idea when I'm flying out to Hawaii, no idea when Laura can be placed in her final resting place, and no idea when I'm coming back.

I'm okay. This past Thursday I slept for the first time in I don't know how long. I had been waking up with that fuzzy, cotton-mouth that you get when sleep is induced rather than achieved naturally, but it's getting better. If I concentrate on Laura's memorial service at Adam's instead of the awful religious ceremonies that my parents guilted Laura into before she died, I'll be okay.

There was a reception after the mass on Wednesday, I headed straight for the bar at the Knights of Columbus Hall. It wasn't Cole's, but I didn't want to sit in that tacky fluorescent-lit hall filled with people who didn't even know Laura. Okay, I didn't head straight for the bar. I headed straight for the ladies' room for a relaxing smoke. Then I sat in that bar with James for hours, drinking and trying to ignore the idiocy around us.

Afterwards, James wanted to watch a stupid movie so we could not think about everything for just a little while. So Lynn took James and me to see The Brothers Grimm at the Arclight. We got there just in time for previews, but Lynn and James wanted popcorn and soda. I was so glad they missed the previews, the first one was for Corpse Bride and the last one was for The Exorcism of Emily Rose, neither one anything that James would have responded well to. I just shut my eyes and went to my quiet place. The bourbon took its toll and James fell asleep for everything but the last 20 minutes. I was, unfortunately and despite all the alcohol and controlled substances, wide awake for most of it. Afterwards we sat at the bar, drinking and debating whether we should watch The 40-Year Old Virgin. But we opted to go home and medicate ourselves even further.

The cousins have gone home and my friends needed a break so I've been alone the past few nights. I think needed a break as well, back to solitude and what life was like before. Then my psychic told me that I shouldn't spend so much time by myself, that I should be around friends. James told me last night at Cole's that it doesn't take a psychic to figure that out. What I am trying to figure out is what to do with myself now that Laura doesn't need me anymore.

letter from senator boxer

At Laura's funeral service yesterday, Tom Bohigian (from Senator Boxer's office in Sacramento) said some wonderful things about what it was like to work with Laura and the contribution she made to the Boxer office in downtown Los Angeles. I wish I had a transcript of his speech, but here is a copy of Senator Boxer's letter to the President of the U.S. Senate, entered into the Congressional Record for the 109th Congress, which Tom read yesterday:

IN REMEMBRANCE OF LAURA ESGUERRA ADAMS
Senate - September 06, 2005

Mr. President, today I pay tribute to Laura Esguerra Adams, a member of my staff who died last week after a valiant struggle against cancer. I want the Senate and the American people to know about this extraordinary young woman who served us all so well.

Laura was my Web designer, in charge of my Senate Web site. Over the past several years, she transformed "boxer.senate.gov" from a simple, nondescript Web page to a modern, cutting-edge site that has won awards for its clean look, comprehensive content, and accessibility.

Today thousands of Californians visit this site every week to get up-to-date information, express their opinions, and obtain help from my office and Government agencies. Laura's many additions to the site included video updates from California and the Senate floor, contests for kids on Earth Day and the Fourth of July, and dozens of links to other sites providing news, information, and assistance.

Laura was not only a tremendous asset to my staff; she was also a joy to work with. She was smart, funny, and most of all big hearted. She was both tech wise and user friendly, always willing to share her knowledge and expertise. In our Los Angeles office, she organized great potluck lunches where she cooked well, ate prodigiously, and shared her eclectic taste in music of all kinds--good, bad, and strange.

A truly urban Angeleno, Laura lived in a downtown LA loft and recently led her new husband James and their wedding party on a candlelight procession through the center city.

Laura was a highly skilled and devoted public servant who believed that technology can and should add to our understanding of Government and give more people the opportunity to participate in our democracy. I deeply appreciate her service to the Senate and the people of California.

I know Members will join me in honoring the memory of Laura Esguerra Adams and sending our thoughts and prayers to her husband, family, and many dear friends.

Laura was so happy working for Senator Boxer. She loved her co-workers, she told me funny stories about them all the time. It did my heart so much good to see so many people from the Boxer office at Laura's bedside during her last week with us, at her memorial service, and at the mass. Her picture is up on the Senator's website, check out her work if you get a chance.

mass, memorial, and funeral services

Following please find the schedule for the mass, memorial service and funeral service for my sister, Laura:

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Viewing/Visitation – 1:00pm to 6:30pm
Rosary Prayers – 6:30pm
Downey Zrelak Family Mortuary
10229 Paramount Blvd.
Downey, CA 90241
562-927-2644

Memorial Service – 7:30pm
Home of A. Martin
533 S. Los Angeles Street, 7th Floor Penthouse
Los Angeles, CA 90013

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Mass – 10:00am
St. Raymond Catholic Church
12348 Paramount Blvd.
Downey, CA 90242
562-923-4509

Reception – 11:30am
Knights of Columbus Hall
11231 Rives Avenue
Downey, CA 90241
562-923-1932

Laura will fly to Honolulu, Hawaii where she will join her maternal grandparents and uncle at the Kaneohe Family Plot.

Friday, September 9, 2005

Blessing – 10:00am
William Funeral Services Chapel
931 Hausben Street
Honolulu, HI 96826
808-949-0022

Followed by Funeral Procession to Memorial Park in Kaneohe.

In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to your favorite charity in Laura's name. If you don't have a favorite, some of Laura's were:

American Cancer Society
Los Angeles Public Library, Adult Literacy Services
National Endowment for the Arts
National Democratic Party
American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)