Wednesday, July 06, 2005

this makes no sense to me

I'm such a sentimental ass. Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I wrote a short story, inspired by her wedding in mid-May, titled, "Girls". I've been working and reworking it, unable to even tell her about it. Her husband James called me saying the loft was clear of visiting relatives I'd been avoiding. I told him I'd be over in a few minutes. Before I walked over to her loft, I thought about all these people from the past, people who are no longer in our lives, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. So it took me a while to get it together and walk over. I'm still reworking the piece, but I gave her a copy of the latest draft after Ali and Adam left her loft yesterday. She read it, then started flipping through her notebooks, looking for something. She found a paragraph and motioned for me to read it. Just one short paragraph with some of her hopes for the future, things she'd like to do and places she wants to see after chemo, plans that included me. I thought I was all cried out, but I was wrong. I want so badly for her wishes to come true.

I left her loft, wondering if I should stop at Cole's for a shot of something. I didn't want to cry on Ali's shoulder in such a public arena, so I went straight home. I ran into one of my roommates in the lobby picking up the mail. I didn't realize how close this all is to the surface, I thought I was keeping it fairly well-contained. But all he had to do was ask carefully, "How are you? Are you okay?" I nodded, but he didn't believe me. Maybe it was the hot tears streaming down my cheeks.

I made it to my bedroom and started to sob just as I was shutting the door. A few minutes later, my phone rang. I couldn't speak of it, but I could tell from Gabrielle's voice and her careful words, she knew something wasn't quite right with me. Am I really that easy to read? Was she just that perceptive? Or was I just doing a piss-poor job of containing all this?

A few hours later, I recovered somewhat and found myself at Cole's with Gabrielle, Jim and Craig. Some of the regulars were also there, eating dinner, catching up, hanging out. They asked about Laura and I managed to keep it together, but they saw the tears forming. Thankfully my phone rang - it was my astrologer. I excused myself to talk nonsense, using that time to blink the tears away. I don't think I fooled anyone. I think I saw Gabrielle tearing up a little, too.

I got home just after midnight and I've been crying sporadically since then. I don't know what's wrong with me. She's looking so much better, I think she's actually gained a few pounds. She starts her third round of chemo this morning and she's admitted she's no longer feeling suicidal. So why can't I stop crying? I'm supposed to catch a screening of Wedding Crashers later tonight, I hope I don't act like an ass and cry through the screening and the Q&A afterwards.

2 comments:

Bruce WLA said...

hi celia:
There's nothing "wrong" with you; sometimes, going through difficult times, things catch up to us all at once. Some part of it is fear (for her; e.g. what she faces) some part relief (she's better)some part anger (why her??), and, not to get all Dr Laura on you, some part guilt (why her, not me?). Life, or rather our living of it, can be so unbelievably hard at times; it's sometimes all we can do to make it through a new day. But, (being a glass half full geek like i am), we have to remember the good times come too. I know that sounds so hollow with all the things we all go through, but, I don't know, it keeps me grounded. I determined, after my last broken heart, that "one day at a time" is the best way I could approach life, and that's what I advise to everyone else. I'll cry some too, maybe that'll help :)

Regards
Bruce

John Donald Carlucci said...

It just sounds like it is finally safe for some of this to come out. Be kind to yourself

JDC