my two sides went to war

I sat in my Wednesday night film financing class at UCLA, listening to Big Shot Producer lecture about the many ways to lower a screenwriter's quote, how to negotiate with writers and lessen our risk, how to not pay a writer and get away with it, etc. It was nothing new to me, nothing I hadn't heard from him before, and as a fledgling producer, something I thought I had to learn. I looked around the room at the many hopeful producers-in-training as they nodded sagely and scribbled notes furiously. Depression immediately followed the realization - everyone in the room would not hesitate one second to screw me. That feeling wasn't new to me, I've been in those rooms before. But this time there were 50+ people in the room. Even I wanted to screw me. I was conflicted, I was resolute, "Patty, Anna, Patty, Anna". It was a little overwhelming.

Since that night I've been extremely irritable. Some might even say bitchy. But mostly I was depressed. That hasn't helped me with my writing deadlines. And now, in this disastrous economy, I am tasked with raising $11 million in P&A financing for our third film project. All I wanted to do was lie down until this feeling went away. Then, thanks to Kevin at LA Observed, I read "Screenwriting in Hollywood: A Modest Proposal" and felt a little better. Here's an excerpt:

Novelists, playwrights and poets are not rewritten by other writers. Even journalists do the deed pretty much alone. But screenwriters not only routinely and eagerly replace each other, they are tactical in their competitive quest for credit, credit that is not only emotionally gratifying but financially existent. Without credit, future opportunity, immediate and contingent compensation, dissolve. All that hard work to get beyond base camp, undone. Back to square none. Meaning - what do you tell your family, friends, former classmates, neighbors, and people you’ve yet to meet - that you did work on something glamorous for possibly years even, but in the end, your name didn’t scroll by?

And the other question that will not leave your mind is the calculation of cash you didn’t get and residuals you will never see.

This belief and its subsequent practice of multiple screen authorship is a unifying principle that not only does not serve its community of believers, but actually endangers its members from achieving prosperity in a scarce economy.

I've come to the realization that producing is a necessary evil for me and I need to just get over it. Conquering the written word is still what makes me truly happy, but if I have to produce to protect my work or another writer's words and vision, then I'll take that battle on. A long time ago, someone once suggested to me that, "It won't hurt if you don't clench." I didn't buy it then, I don't think I'll buy it now. I think I'll try it my way. The picture I have in my head of the kind of producer I want to be is a little bit clearer now.

laura always said i'd be good at this

My husband Jim has told me repeatedly that I have a tendency to take on too much. This time, I think he may be right. We have our art and architectural supply store, Raw Materials, opening in just weeks. We just finished taking down the drop ceiling and are ready to paint, shelving is being delivered as I type this, and we still have inventory to order, electricians and the phone company to deal with, and all sorts of details to be attended to. Additionally, we found a space to house Winstead Adams Projects and are negotiating a long-term lease. I know that doesn't sound too overwhelming, however, we still have our demanding day jobs and our business partner James has been in the Amazon for the past month and unable to help.

With all that on my plate, I take on another big project - clean out my closets, participate in an awesome group yard sale, put the sofa/chair up for sale and decide to redecorate. We're also selling our coffee/end tables, round dining room table/chairs, refrigerator, and a full-size washer/dryer set (putting that up on craigslist is on Jim's list of things to do).

Oh yeah, another tiny detail I left out - in addition to writing feature films, I'm now producing them. Since Bigshot Producer optioned my screenplay over two years ago, I've learned a few things and I guess he noticed. So now Bigshot Producer and I are working together on a slate of films. Although I'm very rusty at raising funds (not having done it since the Internet boom days), I managed to luck into a Mysterious Investor with deep, very liquid pockets. Unfortunately, Bigshot Producer and Mysterious Investor both require a lot of massaging and consequently I find myself on the phone with them and stressing out a lot.

I have to admit, it's very difficult to switch from producer mode to writing mode and my writing time is suffering. But opportunity was knocking and now I'm finding that I'm very not bad at this producing thing. Still, something has to give. But what?