Thursday, September 14, 2006

grief never comes to me properly

Grief comes to me at times when I most expect it to, at the most obvious times. The first anniversary of her passing. Or at night, when I try to silence all the noise from the day, all the noice that resonates in my head.

I don't expect it to come to me, but it does when a stranger says her name. But who expects that? A stranger. It came to me when I received mail from her brokerage firm addressed,"Custodian of..." I thought it strange that it came to me when I realized my vintage, beaded, Carmen Marc Valvo gown was stolen. I cried for both losses, unequal as they were.

But grief never comes to me properly. Not fully. Just in little annoying spurts. I wish it would stop sneaking up on me to tap me on the shoulder, only to disappear when I turn around. Then I'm left with this nagging feeling, it's there, just within arm's reach. And it's going to hit me hard and I can't brace myself, suck in my gut, or prepare in any way for a hit.

I'm going out, to be with friends. I'll hear it again, I'm sure of it, "You seem happy." Usually, I detect a mix of surprise and relief. Don't worry, I'm not going to fall apart in front of you. Because grief just doesn't come to me properly anymore.


Nanette said...

I understand completely. I was at a wedding recently and after too much to drink I found myself bursting into tears during the father/daughter dance (thinking of my dad).

Whitman Lam said...

It helps to talk about it, sometimes to the wind.
It took me 4 years of college at UC Irvine and 3 years at state penitentiary to express, reflect, and identify the pain and grief I was feeling inside for the Brother I lost. My mother and I still mark the birthdays he would have celebrated, he was 20 in 1998, the vacations he would have spent with us, that one achievement when he can finally say he was really, truly proud of me.
In memory of him I walk the hills, pull some weed stems, throw some rocks in the pond, find one good reason for being alive every day, as that would make him proud.

Whitman Lam said...

We all try to find ourselves, but in the end we never come close.

DSPerey said...

Thank you for sharing... My father is still alive, but when the time comes for him to go, I've been told, "The pain never goes away, it just decreases over time."